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Subo graffitis y pinturas en mi FB

*Pablo Rodas-Martini

Después de un trimestre tormentoso, un estupendo libro de historia me da la bienvenida a su hogar: “The age of wonder”. Por semanas creí que el placer de conversar con esos entrañables amigos de papel se había evaporado. Por necesidad laboral y sacando fuerzas de flaqueza de donde no las había, solo había podido lidiar con documentos pdf  en mi computadora.

Aunque traté una vez más con la Biblia, vieja conocida de cubierta a cubierta, y tuve la incondicional ayuda de un amigo y los extractos marcados por mi hija, me siguió siendo esquiva. Tampoco ha servido que me le aproxime por otros libros que la interpretan. Si la leo de manera literal la cuestiono, si lo hago de manera simbólica o figurada, tampoco logro asir la fé. En mi caso solo existe el alma, al espíritu santo no la habita.

Es un tornado que te embiste, te succiona hasta el último hálito y te deja con el cascarón vacío del cuerpo. Quienes son poco observadores ni repararán que la mente te ha encerrado en el laberinto del Minotauro, quienes sí te ven mal jamás podrán dimensionar la invalidez mental que te asola. Escribir un párrafo se vuelve una tarea titánica, de ahí que me excuse con los lectores por esta lejanía de varios meses. Tu mejor momento del día es cuando tomas las pastillas para dormir, y el peor, cuando despiertas, pues te percatas que la pesadilla es real. Eres un Sísifo atrapado en una tarea inútil, o un Prometeo, a quien el águila despedaza de día y deja reposar de noche.

Las enfermedades físicas tienen, al menos, la decencia de atacarte de frente, las dolencias del alma son traicioneras y te tienden celadas con sigilo. Por cuarta vez la derroto en este match que ya lleva un quinquenio, y que si ausculto con lupa se remontará a muchos años atrás. Se envalentona a medida que me pongo más viejo, y por eso me desafía más a menudo. Desde adolescente fui un luchador incansable –la vida existía para buscar la excelencia y para retarla-, pero contra este adversario sin rostro, resulta muy difícil combatir. Es la guerra… por la vida misma. La batalla más sangrienta tuvo lugar cinco años atrás, y dejó cicatrices, pero la más larga, cual guerra de trincheras de la Primera Guerra Mundial, fue ahora, y hasta te robó quince libras de peso en solo unos días.

La conozco muy bien, sé cuando seduce y encanta, cual sirena, y sé cuando paraliza y aniquila, cual Medusa. En ambas fases la familia sufre mucho; en la primera porque no los priorizas y porque navegas cual Odiseo, y en la segunda, porque te conviertes en un Caronte, sombrío y de ultratumba. Sigue siendo un tabú del cual la familia y los amigos más cercanos solo hablan entre murmullos, cual si fuera una lepra mental.

Cuando me he recuperado, he leído numerosos libros sobre el tema, y sobre materias atinentes a Virginia Woolf. No se trata de hipocondría o desvaríos, sino de armarte para poder sobrevivir. Sabes lo que el psiquiatra te dirá, pero vas para que alguien vea tu mente desnuda (máxime si no crees en la confesión). Pero por más que hayas leído y la divises, tanto con su máscara jovial de carnaval como con la aterradora de hallowen -siempre recurre a un disfraz diferente-, cuesta percatarse de sus engaños.

Se ha replegado, pero nunca dejará de merodear, esperará un descuido para abalanzarse de nuevo. No debes bajar la guardia, pero que a la vez también debes aprender a relajarte, pues vivir con la armadura puesta no es vivir.

Quién diría que todo se debe a un microscópico desbalance químico en el cerebro. Las píldoras operan como micro palancas de Arquímedes para restaurar el equilibrio. Antes la llamaban enfermedad maníaco depresivo, ahora le dicen trastorno bipolar, pero yo le llamaría paraíso fugaz e infierno eterno. ¿Sabes la anécdota de Tolstoi en el Caúcaso con una fotografía de Lincoln, el melancólico (así se le decía antes, no depresión)? Otro día te la contaré.

Subo graffitis o pinturas en mi FB. Vuelvo a disfrutar la lectura. Mi memoria encuentra sus archivos. Puedo volver a ser un gran conversador. Mi mente disfruta de nuevo una película. Me sumerjo en la inmensidad de mi iPod. Me percato que los cinco sentidos sí existen. Y la capacidad de amar retorna.

*Pablo Rodas-Martini tiene un Ph.D. y un M.Sc. por el Queen Mary and Westfield College de la Universidad de Londres.

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